For the most part his day had been relatively normal. The typical bullshit nuances of life. Dealing with people and things some good and some bad. Maybe it was the calm before the storm or whatever it is the kids are saying these days but that relatively normal day came to an abrupt halt. Confusion, depression, excitement.. fear. These depressions don’t come around too often, ever since that one day five years ago he’s figured out all of the angles.
Angles to hide, angles to run, angles to keep his back turned from the unknown. Actually it wasn’t even a day it was more like a two week onslaught of regression that rendered him absolutely useless. The problem with the existential is that the true existential can never be fully explained in that if we do in fact die alone as he had arrived at then it’s simply impossible to explain what it is he’s feeling. His entirety was an accumulation up to this two week period, it was only a matter of time really. After that he would never be the same.
He came out of it and when he did he thought of himself as a stronger and wiser person but ultimately it only left him cold and distant. If you’ve never been through an existential depression then be thankful. He tried to view his coming out of the depression as a right of passage but what he never realized until this day was that he never earned that right of passage. He ignored the feelings until they went away because he was too mentally and emotionally fucked to even care anymore.
Existentialism is about the individual, we all know that. What the individual faces when they realize the futility of life is a simple and clear choice. Do you want greatness? I’m not talking fan fare, parades and 16 year old girls that cum over hearing your 30 year old voice play in their grand am. Glory, achieving your potential as a human being so as if no one was alive and you were the only person on this earth that you would feel accomplished and satisfied with who you have become. The reason that is a choice is because the existential sees the inherent lack of meaning in everything. So the question back then is what is the point of achieving greatness?
He never made a choice that day. He merely ignored it and his life has basically followed suit. Doing this, doing that but for the most part his life has stayed even keel and now someone has caused him to once again ask the question that was brought forth so long ago. He’s scared, that’s for damn sure. Life must be so easy for people who have Gods and superstitions to tell them what to do. It’s funny though, people who think this path is a choice. Like people who say that being gay is a choice. He can’t help what he is the problem is that he’s refused to accept what he is.
Now that he’s finally back to where he started he has one simple choice to make: greatness or despair?
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